Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I am naked and annoyed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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