Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
