she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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