True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
