Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
