i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
