Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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