What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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