im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
