Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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