Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
