I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
