This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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