Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
