i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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