I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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