By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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