YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
