i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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