He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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