im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
