It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
