why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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