Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize