somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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