I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
