I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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