we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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