I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
