Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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