I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
