is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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