Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
