This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize