So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
