He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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