He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
