i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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