He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I want her autograph on my taint
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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