I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
