dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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