I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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