hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
