Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize