Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize