So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
