dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
