Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I met the friendliest cop last night
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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