She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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