I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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