I am in a vortex of obligation.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
