weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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