You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
