mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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