saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
