Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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