she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
