Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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