i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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