Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
