It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Randomize
