I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
