I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
