Just fell off a train. Bad.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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