And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
