yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
