Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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