fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You can't motorboat a personality
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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