i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
