I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
vagina is talking i cant
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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